For some reason I once had the perception that all real witches were hard polytheists to whom the gods communicated clearly and directly. I think I got this impression from a few witches I respected and saw as magically effective who identified as hard polytheist. For these witches it seemed that their gods, spirits and magical beings had a very direct and full-on way of communicating with them, and that to them the gods were as real as you or I.
So I tried really hard to be a hard polytheist. I was like "right! Come at me and speak, gods!" *Crickets chirping* Did this mean I wasn't a real witch? I have since come to the conclusion that it didn't, and it doesn't. Not all witches view their gods through the lens of hard polytheism in this form. For me, the way that I experience, communicate with and relate to the gods is less direct. The gods may not communicate with me directly in my mind just as though I was having a conversation with a friend, but they do send me signs and signals, they put "coincidences" and synchronicity on my path for me to recognize (or stumble over!) and they speak to me through divination.
For a long time I have struggled with the concept of belief for much the same reason as I struggle with the concept of worship: the conditioning of my Christian upbringing. I guess for many hard polytheists belief doesn't come into it because of how the gods communicate with them, but for the rest there is faith that their deities exist independently as self-aware entities. A soft polytheist would believe that all of the different deities are expressions of one supreme being that can appear to different people in the way that they can best recognise and work with. I like this idea, but I still don't actually believe it in the "blind faith" sense. I have had experiences of course, but I recognise my personal experiences as subjective.
I have realised that spiritual atheism is a bit of a taboo among some pagans and witches. For some people it's almost as stigmatised as Satanism, or the concept of Christo-paganism. Why this is, I'm not sure. I personally don't see the problem with having a spiritual practice without an actual belief in a deity or the adoption of a religious dogma or doctrine. Having come from a monotheistic, Abrahamic religion, I am glad to get away from the idea that one must have blind faith in a deity without evidence. I am a grown adult, and I give myself permission to experience and perceive deity in my own way... I am no longer being told when to sit, stand, kneel, pray and what to believe without proof.
So, what is my present conception of deity? As a pagan witch I feel I am mainly a pantheist, animist and soft polytheist, however I have often felt I am essentially a spiritual atheist. I understand you can't be both a theist and an atheist, but I guess I'm just trying to work out where I stand... I just feel that if you could somehow prove to me that there is unequivocally and without a doubt no independently existing and self aware deity, then for me there would still be spirituality. There would still be nature and the universe and cosmos and the gift of our senses and minds to perceive it with, and to me that's sacred and divine. Maybe that makes me a pantheist, but does that imply believing there is divine intelligence behind it all? Even if there isn't, to me it's still sacred and awe-inspiring.
As you can see, this isn't something I am set on hard and fast at this point in time. Much like where I fit into in my witchcraft practice. I am very eclectic, but I see myself as fitting somewhere into the hedge witch/hearth witch/green witch categories. I do work with deities. As I mentioned, I do not worship - rather I honour, revere and adore their spirits. The deity most dear to my heart is the earth herself, and that isn't a matter of belief - she just is.
Perhaps I am struggling too much with my conception of deity, perhaps I have too much time on my hands! My conception of deity may be different and unorthodox, but it is my own.
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